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And now, Adam and Joe.
Hello, this is Adam.
Hello, this is Garth Jennings.
And Garth is, once again, filling in for Joe Cornish, who is away.
He's on business, so he says.
He's so nice.
We've only got his word for that.
Probably what he's doing.
He's just sitting by some swimming pool, smoking something crazy.
Yeah, like a rolled up newspaper.
Yes.
And he's standing probably on Sunset Boulevard in his pants, is what he's doing.
Yeah, he's filthy.
Touting for business.
But, um, so we won't hear from him at all this week.
However, next weekend, when he's also away, he's away for the next three weeks or something ludicrous.
Um, so we will... Do you know how bitter he was when he said that?
Yeah.
He's away for three weeks.
And he will be down, he will be down the line.
We'll be hooking up with him live in a studio in LA next week.
And I think maybe the week after.
Which makes me a little perplexed because I was thinking like does he get paid for a whole show doing that, right?
I bet he does and I think that's not fair, especially as he was sort of saying Oh, well, it's gonna be about 3 in the morning in Los Angeles if I do that so maybe I'll just do the first hour of the show and Then you know go to bed if that's cool with you guys and everyone's like yeah, that's cool with us guys It's not cool with us guys
It's not cool with the guy who's being paid the same to do the whole proper show and isn't in Los Angeles in his underpants on Sunset Boulevard at 3 in the morning.
Now we had a tricky Song Wars this week.
We had to do songs about the credit crunch and you will find out within this podcast how we got on.
our songs were so weird and wonky that we only played them once.
Usually we would play Song Wars songs twice but you'll get to hear what we came up with in this podcast.
If you would like to listen again to all the songs and all the music that we played as well as Garth's jingle that we're not allowed to play for,
clearance reasons.
Garth created a whole new jingle for us, which is very good, based on a little spandau ballet riff.
Then you can listen to the whole show again on listen again or on iPlayer, all that kind of stuff.
But right now, let's get underway with some filleted highlights from our Saturday morning show.
Enjoy!
It is brought to you with super sound exterior So now my voice is coming to you from the left and now the right
That was James Uyl with his song.
Y U I double L. How would you pronounce that?
Uyl.
Uyl.
Uyl.
Uyl.
Uyl.
Uyl.
Are you ill?
You are.
Yeah, exactly.
James Uyl.
No, I'm all right, thanks.
James probably hates this show now.
That's what happens in his life.
Yeah.
James Uyl.
No, I'm fine.
No, I'm just saying your name.
Oh, my name.
sorry that's embarrassing yes i'm fine what my name all that must be funny in his life it's time for some wars
And I will tell you this week that Garth and I decided we should write a credit crunch song.
And it's something that Joe and I were talking about on previous shows.
We always toyed with the credit crunch notion as a theme.
It's very topical.
Don't know if you've noticed.
Yeah, exactly.
Don't know if you've noticed that everything's collapsing.
is people are chatting about it so we thought we should do a credit crunch song but then again we also thought that we should do like a world peace song you know when it was all going off with Russia like the other week
See, I'd have been up for doing a World Peace song.
You would think, wouldn't you?
You'd think, how hard is it to do a World Peace song?
Bob Dylan, he tossed them off the whole time.
Actually, he didn't write that many straightforward World Peace songs, but they felt like that kind of thing.
Yeah.
It's a bit harder than you might imagine.
To come out with a blowing in the wind or whatever.
Yeah.
So, we were stuffed on that one.
We actually tried to write our World Peace songs and gave up.
Phoned each other on Friday evening before the show a few weeks back and said,
Is it happening over there in the Cornish studio?
No.
Do you phone as well sort of hedging your bets a bit?
Sort of going, hey, how's it going with you?
It could be going all right with me.
Yeah, exactly.
How many choruses and verses and stuff have you got on the World Peace song?
Yeah, not many.
How about you?
None?
Yeah.
Should we give up?
Yes.
You know when you phoned last night, I think that was the call where I was going to get let off the hook.
It's like, look, just forget it.
We'll play some more records.
Well, it sort of was the call.
Oh, you were doing it to me.
Yeah.
I was hoping you might say, I've got nothing.
Let's not do it.
Well, I sort of said help.
I was sort of saying, this is awful.
But also the thing is that I haven't had a chance to do anything all week because I've been doing my other job.
Yeah, yeah.
So I got home last night trying to get it done before.
Your neurosurgery job.
Yeah, exactly.
I got people to fix.
Garth is like the embodiment of house.
Yeah.
I like, you know, sewing things up, getting it done and stumbling around.
And he does an American accent as well.
I do an American accent.
What's that?
Is that your American accent?
The whole notion of which one is the best is somewhat moot this week.
It's more like which one is the least grating.
Yeah, because I think I might win in grating.
You reckon?
Yeah.
Do you want to hear my first attempt?
Yeah, go on.
I just bit off way more than I could chew with this, right?
Way more than you could crunch.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I couldn't even start to crunch this.
And so the subsequent thing is totally overblown.
It's like a little mini Dickensian opera.
Brilliant.
Based on a musical riff that might be familiar to listeners.
It's just nonsensical and it's kind of badly produced so you can't really hear what's actually being said a lot of the time and it's just a mess.
So shall we hear that one now?
It's exciting isn't it?
Except this abyss hasn't got little nice aliens at the bottom.
Don't waste your time trying to figure out who done the credit crunch.
It was a load of greedy bankers having a fiddle over lunch.
The main thing now is not to panic but to get yourself prepared.
The apocalypse is coming.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown says don't frown, it's easy to deal with it.
Just like the loft, and remember to turn out the lights.
Oh God, the crunch.
It's already crunching down upon your town, it's time to be sensible.
So change your ways, all of you are going to die.
What can we do?
What can we do?
It's too advanced for you.
When you're going to the pictures, don't invest in any treats.
Cos the popcorn is expensive.
If you can't afford no music and just don't wanna nick it Go back inside your nose again and you can Wilson pick it I've got other suggestions but that's not ways to save And have a lot of fun with yourself
I was going to have more advice about how to economize and stuff, but I couldn't stop thinking about the fact like... You couldn't stop thinking about picking your nose.
Yeah.
The Wilson picket bit worked great.
You reckon?
Yeah, it's good work.
That was the bit where I knew I was defeated, actually.
I think you've just... Wilson picket.
God, I've got to give up now.
Oh, mine's just worse.
Alright man, well listen, shall we have a listen to yours now?
I've only got one, I haven't got a backup here.
Well this is now, now we're in the official competition, so you're discounting that last thing listeners and this is what we are actually competing against each other with.
Yeah, focus now.
So do you want to introduce yours now?
Alright, mine's called My Credit Crunchy Song and I think I should just play it and get it over with.
Let's do it.
song was a bank it would fold to be frank and this june was a man he would sleep
This
Oh, he's gone for the fade.
It's awful.
You know that, do you remember when you were at school and you were asked to stand up in front of the class and speak?
I have.
You know that kind of embarrassment that's so shocking that you feel like you've gone solid?
Like, if you were, you're like a solid brick of red.
Yeah.
That was me for the last two minutes.
That was good, man.
I enjoyed that.
You know what?
That was musically superior.
You sidestepped the whole actually writing a thing about the credit crunch.
I didn't know what to write about.
Basically, all your lyrics were like, this is a song about the credit crunch.
This is a rubbish song, and if it was about the credit crunch, it would be like this.
I couldn't think of anything.
You shirked that element of it.
I tried to creatively bend the brief.
Well, I think that's fair enough.
Lord have mercy.
You know what you should do is retool that song and write some actual proper lyrics that aren't about the credit crunch for it because that's a nice song.
Okay.
I would enjoy that.
That's as good as hardship.
Hot Chip.
That's even better than a lot of their stuff.
I don't know about that.
I do.
So that was Garth's Credit Crunch song there.
What are you calling it?
My Credit Crunchy song.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
So in the end, after I'd given up on my little mini opera there, I just thought, OK, I'm going to have to do something that I've been thinking about doing a lot.
Sometimes when I run out of ideas for Song Wars and I'm up against the deadline,
think ooh okay it's time for this tack and that is to do an homage to Radiohead's fitter happier
Oh, you clever sausage.
You know that track?
You've won the war.
Well, no, not necessarily, because it's not in any way a song, but it is kind of a song, because that was almost the centrepiece of OK Computer, wasn't it?
Yeah.
In a way, and it had the Stephen Hawking computer voice on there talking about alienation and modern... A pig stuck on a pool.
Exactly.
It says that, but I just... It's not stuck on a poo, I don't think.
Something like that.
I'd do a stick.
That's driven into frozen poo, I'm sure he says, anyway.
Something like that.
Anyway, so that's the kind of thing I went for, and here it is.
Credit crunch is a term used to describe a sudden reduction in the general availability of loans, or credit, or a sudden increase in the cost of obtaining loans from the banks.
There are a number of reasons why banks may suddenly increase the costs of borrowing or make borrowing more difficult.
This may be due to an anticipated decline in value of the collateral used by the banks, or it could be something to do with Al Gore.
In fact, yes, I'm almost certain it's Al Gore's fault.
And Noel Edmonds is probably mixed up in it somewhere too.
With his Princess Diana hair, and his stupid boxes.
He's waiting until the world is on its knees, and then he's going to bring back Mr. Blobby.
And it wouldn't surprise me if Ant and Deck are in league with the banks too.
They've got their thinkers in everybody's eyes.
Saturday night isn't the only thing they want to take away.
They're good on I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here, though.
Mind you, with the crunch, they're probably going to have to scale I'm a Celebrity down a bit and just have the Cheeky Girls and the Chucko Brothers in a park and hack me.
Absolutely rubbish.
You can't even hear what he's saying as well, that's the thing.
Yes you can.
It's a winner.
The other weekend we went to a fun park with my children.
It was called the Dino Park and it's kind of dino themed.
It's a fun place and I'll tell you more about it.
But surely you can't go wrong with dinosaurs?
No, well exactly, exactly.
It's genius.
And I think it's one of those situations where maybe there's a stately home or whatever or a large piece of land with
farmland attached and maybe they've fallen on hard times or because of financial pressures they've had to make it, you know, commercial.
Put dinosaurs in it.
Exactly.
We're losing money.
Get some danishores.
That's again how they speak on those properties.
Get some danishores.
Get some danishores.
That's what Richard Attenborough, that's how he should have spoken in Jurassic Park.
Yeah.
Where are my grandchildren gang?
The way he almost does though, sometimes he's Scottish, sometimes he doesn't bother.
He does, he forgets when he's eating the ice cream and the shadows are on the wall.
Right.
He goes straight back to Dickie.
He's not bothered at all.
You know, he goes all back to that and then the next he goes, alright, let's go.
Look at the dinosaur.
It really is.
If you're ever watching that film, watch when he's eating the ice cream.
It's like Spielberg just wasn't even there that day.
He was captivated by it.
He was going, ah, Dicky.
Dicky, I'm under Dicky's spell.
Oh, Stevie, I forgot to do the accent then.
That doesn't matter.
That was Scottish, right, Dicky?
Yes, yes, Stevie, that was Scottish, yes.
Yeah, that's a good accent for Spielberg as well.
Why like that?
But this is by the way of all that.
We were at the wishing well, right?
And my eldest son was throwing in a coin there and I had a few euros that I gave him to tell you cheapskates.
Wait a minute, no, not that coin.
No, not that one, that's silver!
No, this one's silver as well and it's quite big.
a couple of euros and so he stuck that in the wishing well.
But then he insisted on telling me what he wished for and I said you're not supposed to tell what you wish for because then apparently it invalidates the wish, that's in the small print of the wishing contract.
But he refused to keep the wishes to himself and he told me what his wishes were.
Have you heard about your children's wishes yet Garth?
No.
You've never heard any of their wishes?
Well it's normally just stuff, just that second scene on the telly.
Right, exactly.
Well, my son is six, the one I'm talking about, Frank, and I'd never heard any of his wishes before.
I suppose you always hope that maybe your children will wish for kind of wonderful spiritual things.
Or at least wooden toys.
Yeah, exactly.
I wish, I wish, Daddy, I wish for one of those wooden bikes without pedals that I simply push along with my feet and helps me to be a much better bicycle rider, faster than all the other children in the playground.
Could I please have one of those, Daddy?
Please, Daddy?
No, that's not what Frank wished for.
He said, Daddy, I wished for a DS, superpowers, no school and real guns.
Did he really?
That's what he wants.
And you know, he's someone that I try to... Real guns.
Real guns.
And you know, we don't buy them like all violent toys and stuff.
In fact, I'm quite poncy about the whole thing of trying to keep guns out of the house, you know.
He loves the guns.
It's just innate, I think.
They always do.
And he's not like a little rufty tufty in other ways.
But there's something about little boys, it's hard-wired into them, they absolutely adore guns.
Yeah, well they'll just point their finger at you and shoot you with that if they haven't got a plastic gun.
Right.
It's weird, isn't it?
It's what Guy Ritchie's built his entire career on, presumably.
Knowing that piece of information.
He's a rock'n'roller, isn't he?
A rock'n'roller.
I was talking about a mutual friend of ours Joby Joby some Morris is always coming out with great quotes Well, Morris is the he's the kind of child that actually you would want to have yeah, he's perfect You know, I'm very happy with my children, but Morris is he's one of those kids you look at him anything.
Oh, that's the one Because he's like musically very prodigious isn't he and just hope our children aren't listening You know when your mom and dad would say come on
Why can't you be more like your cousins?
Why couldn't you be more like Morris?
It's such a shame.
No, you're fine.
It's just Morris is... He's just a bit better, isn't he?
No, he can play the guitar and he can... No, he's showing signs of real intelligence.
He asks a lot of very interesting questions a lot of the time.
And, you know, the only thing you ask is when SpongeBob's going to start.
Yes.
If there's any way you could be more like Morris, that would be ideal.
No, but Morris was saying to Joby the other day, something had provoked this, some tragedy or something, I assume, but Morris said, oh, Dad, what is heaven like?
And so Joby thought, oh, no.
He just said, Morris, just imagine the most beautiful place you can possibly imagine.
And Morris did.
He sat there and he thought about it.
He said, Daddy, the most amazing place I can possibly imagine is McDonald's.
So where did Joby go with that?
I think he just, I think he just laughed.
So yeah, that's pretty much exactly what it's like.
Yeah, that's it.
You got it, kid.
Yeah, it's like that, but everything's free.
Yeah, it's free.
You can keep going.
You get free fries with everything.
And you can upgrade at no extra cost.
It's extraordinary.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
What is the lamest theme park you've ever been to?
And if you haven't been to one, then what's your idea for an incredibly lame theme park?
Yeah, I think they're the best ideas.
You know what I mean?
If you can think, because it's a useful way of going.
If you want to make some money out of your little plot of land there, all you have to do is think of some pretty lame idea.
Dare you enter Scrapyard?
That's right.
Dare you?
Mind out for The Crusher Binland.
What will you find in the bins?
And it's all like the staff are all dressed as... Don't touch that bin!
The staff are all dressed as tramps and wondering, welcome to Binland.
Because I went to Wookiee Hole once, by accident I got trapped in a rainstorm and I just happened to be near Wookiee Hole so we went in for cover and it was a classic British thing where you go in, it's brilliant Wookiee Hole, if you're planning on going you must, but there's a funny thing in there where they go, this bit is said to be haunted.
And some say a witch once came down here and never came out.
in fact if you listen carefully you can hear her and they'd project this picture of a witch and it was really bad and it was gonna like go across the cave and you'd hear this recording go and the tour guy kind of looked at us with eyes that said yeah i know i'm sorry let's just keep going just talking
Here's an email from Stu W. He says, Hi there, Adam and Garth.
In my hometown, we have a Diggerland theme park.
Presumably, it's the Diggerland theme park.
I don't know.
But in which you can drive mini diggers.
Brackets, it's restricted to less than walking pace in speed.
Quite right, of course.
And you can operate the digging arms on the bigger stationary JCB machines.
Yeah, this is the one that I was looking at.
But it always seemed a bit, one of the reasons we didn't go to Diggerland was that
You just think the idea for a child that they might be going to a theme park where they can actually see these diggers and drive them would be amazing.
But of course, once you get there, there's no question of them actually driving a real massive digger.
Not a massive one, but a little one.
I think they'd be all right once they got there.
You reckon they actually?
Yeah.
It says they can drive mini diggers, but surely they can't drive them themselves.
Like a three-year-old is not going to be allowed to just jump in there and have a go with the mini digger.
Maybe that's the fun of it.
It's a little bit edgy down there.
It's a bit dangerous.
Yeah.
Well it would be good to go to a foreign country and have one that's deregulated, you know what I mean?
Yes, really good one.
Go on, have a go, take it away!
Yeah, try the wrecking ball!
He's only three, is that okay?
That's fine!
He can have some fun there with the wrecking ball!
He's three?
That's okay!
He doesn't even come up to my knee.
That's not a problem with the wrecking ball!
Just has to push one button.
Here's a very short one.
Chris in Durham, straight to the point.
He says, a real one.
Keswick Pencil Museum.
Fantasy one.
World of Pockets.
I can see World of Pockets, can't you?
Yeah.
And you just have like the centerpiece of World of Pockets is like a giant torso, you know, headless torso.
It's just the middle section.
It's like from the tummy downwards to the knees maybe, a massive thing.
And it's got just a big pair of jeans on there and you can
climb up like a kind of climbing rope thing and jump into the pocket and slide down through the pockets.
Maybe one of the pockets has a hole in it.
That's what you want.
And lots of fluff at the bottom.
Exactly.
Fluff and giant coins and ticket stubs and things like that.
And then you could have, like in the back pockets, maybe it would be a bit racier.
I don't know.
Use your imagination.
Here is a message from DC Mike in Bearwood and it says, how about an X Factor themed park?
There could be a roller coaster where the riders head up to the dizzy heights of fame and then suddenly crash down never to be seen again.
I think that would be quite good.
Teach you a little bit about the crazy world of fame.
Or maybe you just have to go in and when you buy your ticket, there's a judge there saying, no, you can't come in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, you're quite good.
You're cute.
Come in.
Yeah, just a big fame theme park would be good, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Teach you all about the vicissitudes of the world of fame, if that's the right word.
And it would be very cruel.
Like it would start out being fun.
The first part of the park would be fun.
Everyone would be having a good time.
There'd be lots of champagne and parties and dancing.
And then after the rollercoaster, yeah, you go on the big rollercoaster and then you're plunged down into a subterranean world where you have to remain for years and years and years, unless you can find the way through the comeback tunnel.
But otherwise, the comeback maze.
Yeah.
Comeback maze.
Yeah.
You're just down there with really scary people.
Yeah, Peter Andre.
Peter.
No, he's, yeah, yeah.
He's not scary.
He's the king of the carpet.
He'll help you out, actually.
If you find Peter Andre, he could be like the lucky charm.
That's right.
He could get you out.
So it wouldn't actually be a real Peter Andre, but it would be like youths hired by the park with sort of plastic six-pack strapped to their chests.
Yeah.
And they would help you out.
Come with us.
But otherwise, if you get trapped down there in the subterranean part of the park, you're just subject to humiliations and there's people dressed like Amy Winehouse wandering around offering you things.
Yeah.
It's no good.
You know that pencil museum you were talking about earlier?
Keswick?
Yeah.
Dave Donaghy says, don't mock the pencil museum.
My friend Spadge and I went there last year and got free entry and a free pencil because it was the museum's birthday.
It may have been the best day out I've ever had.
Spadge.
Spadge.
That's no way a real friend.
That's what he says here.
He's even spelled it with a capital S, so he really means it.
That's his imaginary friend.
Come on, Spadge!
We're off to the Pencil Museum!
Just one ticket, then.
No, I want one from my friend Spadge too!
Your friend?
Okay.
Mum, me and Spadge are off to the Pencil Museum again!
Okay, darling.
Try and be back in time for tea.
Don't forget you've got your job tomorrow.
You are 25 years old.
Okay, don't worry!
Spadge will remind me!
Bye, Mum!
Come on, Spadge!
Off to the Pencil Museum again today!
One pencil for me, and one pencil for Spadge!
There you go, Spadge!
You've got it again, Spadge!
Can't you hold your pencil, Spadge?
That's how it would go.
It would be bittersweet.
Sorry, Dave Donaghy, for mocking your real friend, Spadge.
He's not real.
He's not real.
He's clearly not real.
Come watch Pat's Pencil Museum again today.
You know that thing of when you're a bloke and you're walking home at night sometimes and there happens to be a woman walking on her own the other side you feel very conscious of... You don't want to freak her out.
You don't want to freak her out because you know you were just going home and it just happened and whatever you do freaks her out because you speed up to get past her that's horrible all that.
I've noticed that in the queues when you're doing your chip and pin
You sort of do that thing.
You're pressing your button.
You notice people sort of do there.
I'm just gonna look around the shop for you Yeah, it's gonna look over there.
I'm gonna look anywhere but at your pin advertise the fact that you are not a threat Yeah, yeah, I mean I try and do I'm not trying to look over your shoulder, right?
I'm walking along the street.
Sometimes I'm just gonna Get you okay.
Okay, and people like scatter.
Oh
What's up with that?
Yeah, you know, that's just the way I when I'm walking.
That's the way that my breath But you know the women they don't like it I want to see you do that they don't like it for some reason
So there you go Garth, some delicious tasty morsels there.
It's nice to try them again actually.
Saturday morning show, yeah, did you enjoy that?
Yeah, it was wonderful.
I mean this is a piece of fiction here because we're standing here recording these links just after we finish the show.
We haven't listened to the filleted highlights again because they haven't been compiled yet.
So what are you doing lying about?
I figured I went on I did an interview on a radio station the other day and the guy who was interviewing me came in after the record and said we were just singing along with that weren't we Garth and he went straight into the interview and we weren't singing along at all yeah he said well you can't can't stop singing to that song anyway here we are back with Garth Jennings I thought hang on
I wasn't singing along with that at all.
I thought, so I'm getting into the spirit of radio DJ-lying.
You're not allowed to do that.
What station was that?
I can't tell you that.
We were just singing along and he wasn't even singing along.
You can't stop singing along to that song.
We were all singing along in the studio.
Right, Garth?
Anyway, here it is.
Formal warning for that one.
That's true.
That's what happened.
If he tried that kind of thing within the portals of the castle, a huge spike would suddenly
Rip out from the floor and go right through either the bottom of his foot Just right into his groin and out through the top of his head and what's more he would deserve it We were just singing along and he weren't even singing along never say anything like that, you know, that's a disgrace So I'm sorry.
I was just you know, I just thought that's the way you did things on radio.
No, it's not I
Formal warning!
You do that kind of thing next week and you'll get the spike, young man.
So, take care folks, have an enjoyable week and we'll be with you again from 9 till 12 on Saturday morning, here on BBC Six Music.